On Helping Friends Who Are Struggling With Their Mental Health

We have all had friends struggle with their mental health. If you read that first sentence and thought, “no, I don’t think so…” Let me say it again, we have ALL had friends struggle with their mental health whether you realize it or not. If you are wondering if one of your friends may be struggling with their mental health, here are some signs that they might be:

• They suddenly stop checking in as much

• They seem to always be in a mood when you speak with them

• They are acting out of character for them (maybe they used to always show up and be on time but lately they’re forgetting about plans or running unusually late)

• They share that they’re having a difficult time sleeping or sleeping a lot

• They suddenly change their eating habits or suddenly lose a significant amount of weight

• They are making spontaneous and unsafe decisions (driving recklessly, experimenting unsafely with substances, overspending, etc.)

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it is a starting place. Often, people who are actively struggling with their mental health are living in their own little bubble – it can feel too scary to reach out and ask for help. Or maybe they are in denial and not wanting to address their own mental health. You can take the above list and similar patterns as their cry for help.

Often, people find themselves in my office and claim to not know why they are there. Or they’ll say something like “I just need someone to talk to.” However, I am never surprised that when I begin my intake process with them, I often find that they are exhibiting many cries for help. A lot of times, they did not recognize it in themselves but a loved one saw it in them and asked them to get help. A big reason why sometimes we can’t even recognize the signs in ourselves is because many mental illnesses such as depression and PTSD can make us feel numb. Our brain tries to protect us by numbing the pain, which can be incredibly helpful. But often, it also stops us from being able to ask for help.

If you’ve made it this far and a friend has come to mind while reading this post, then it probably means that they could use some support. It is first most important for you to know that you are only responsible for your own mental health. You can listen to your friend, find resources for them, and be a shoulder to cry on but you do not get to make decisions for your friend’s mental health. This can be equally devastating and helpful. However, if you are going to be a friend for the long haul, it is first and foremost important to keep your own mental health in check.

You know how on an airplane, the safety briefing at the beginning asks you to first put on your own oxygen mask before assisting the person sitting next to you? Even if that person is a child, they want to make sure that you help yourself first so that you can help the person next to you. In an emergency, if you begin to help the person next to you first, then what will most likely happen is that you will pass out before you can even put on your own oxygen mask. But if you get yours situated then you can more easily help someone else. The same goes for your mental health. If you take on the mental health of a loved one without first taking care of your own mental health, then you are at a high risk to suffer yourself.

Setting some boundaries is a great way to emotionally put our own oxygen mask on first before helping the person next to us. Some boundaries that have helped me when loved ones are suffering are:

• “I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering. Are you seeing a therapist? I am happy to listen when I can, but I am not a professional and want to make sure you’re getting the best help you need.” (Note: Mental health professionals, this can work for you too! “I am not your therapist and want to make sure you’re getting the best help you need” is just as valid!)

• “Wow, thank you for telling me about what’s been happening for you. Have you heard of the suicide prevention line? That’s a great resource that’s available to you 24/7 even when others aren’t available.”

• “Here are some links to therapists and psychiatrists that I found for you. PsychologyToday is also a great resource if you want to see who takes your insurance!”

• “I am so sorry you’re suffering but I am actually struggling too and I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for us to become dependent on each other when it comes to our mental health. How about we both sign up for therapy and then talk again once we’ve had some time to process.”

• “I’m sorry, I’m feeling really emotionally drained this week and need some alone time. Can we hang out next week instead?”

• “If I ever don’t answer, know that it’s not because I’m ignoring you, it’s probably just because I can’t answer at that moment. If it’s an emergency, please call 911 and then let me know so that I can call you back as soon as I’m available.”

Again, this is by no means a comprehensive list, but it is a starting place. It will probably be a little uncomfortable to set some of these boundaries, especially if you have never set them before. That’s ok – just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean you can’t do it! In fact, when we don’t set boundaries with friends, especially friends who are suffering, we are only enabling them to continue to use us (and maybe others) in unhelpful ways. It is also important to remember that it is your responsibility to follow through on boundaries you set – others won’t do it for you.

In my experience, it is easy to feel drained and overwhelmed when a friend is struggling with their mental health and there aren’t any boundaries in place. Often this allows a cycle of that friend taking unfair advantage of us. It is little fault of their own if there aren’t already boundaries established, but it is taking advantage none-the-less. This will only add to the cycle of burnout that we will feel. As a therapist, I have actually had to establish some new boundaries with friends because so much of the work that I do is heavy emotional work. It is always a learning curve for everyone involved when new boundaries are placed, but the less drained you feel, the more you’ll actually be able to help your loved one who is struggling. I undoubtedly believe that the truest test of friendship is boundary-setting. How can we have fulfilling relationships if we’re not comfortable enough to express our own needs?

If this topic feels like it’s hitting home for you, I would encourage you to talk to your therapist about this. Sometimes it can be difficult for us to recognize necessary boundaries when we have lived most of our life without them. If you are in need of therapy and without a current therapist, I would encourage you to either click on this link to fill out an inquiry form for a free fifteen-minute phone consultation with me or head to Psychologytoday.com to find a therapist near you who takes your insurance.