Stop Using Your Mental Health as an Excuse
Have you ever heard someone use their mental health as an excuse to treat someone else poorly? I hear this a lot in my line of work, in my personal life, and in culture at large. As incredible as it is that mental health has become less taboo, this has also meant that it has become an excuse at times for people to do whatever the heck they want in the name of mental health. And then of course, mental health gets a bad rap.
Yell at your partner? Nbd, blame it on your anxiety
Short with your kid? Don’t worry about it, you’re dealing with your own stuff.
Letting the barista who got your order wrong have it? You’re learning to set boundaries! Surely your therapist would encourage this (spoiler alert: they don’t).
Let’s stop using mental health as the ultimate excuse to treat other people poorly. And, let’s stop letting boundaries be an excuse to be unkind to others. Unpopular opinion from this therapist: it is your job, as an adult, to manage your mental health in ways that won’t cause harm to those around you. And, boundary setting is not intended to be a wall, but a path forward.
Now, don’t get me wrong, of course, mental illness is real. You’re going to be short with your family and you’re not always going to be the best version of yourself. But, let’s not let that become our excuse. There’s a distinct difference between “I am sorry but my anxiety makes me irritable” and “I am sorry that I was irritable. My anxiety is really bad today and I am going to work on it so it doesn’t impact you.” That seemingly subtle difference goes a really long way in taking accountability and it still honors your mental health.
One thing I often find myself saying in sessions is, “while what happened to you as a child isn’t your fault, it is your responsibility to heal from it as an adult.” Is it fair? No, definitely not. Is it called for? It is, especially if you want to give yourself and others the best version of yourself. Expanding on this, it’s also true that you don’t have any control over what trauma you’ve experienced or what mental illnesses you have, but you can and should take control of what the healing process looks like. Of course, your best may look different on different days and no two healing processes are the same, but in general, here are some ways we can stop using our mental health as an excuse:
Go to therapy. Not just for a couple sessions or a couple months. Find the right therapist for you and commit to at least a year (I have seen the greatest outcomes in 2+ years)
If you find that irritability is part of your mental health struggles, have a consult with a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner - I am not here to say that meds are one size fits all but I am here to say that meds work most of the time and you deserve the best care possible.
Take responsibility when your mental health does get in the way. “I am sorry I’m feeling especially irritable today” goes a long way when your loved ones are trying to connect with you.
Do some inner child work. While it may sound hokey, inner child work can actually be very powerful especially if what you’re healing from is childhood trauma. Watch your favorite childhood movie, go play outside, or look through old pictures and tell little you how cute and innocent they are.
Journal. Journaling has changed my perspective on things many times in life. When done consistently and with intention, journaling is a powerful tool that allows you to show up just as you are without the consequence of a falling out. Whenever my partner and I disagree on something (hi, yes, therapists argue with their partners too), I find it extremely helpful to take some space and journal and then come back to the conversation. While it rarely changes my mind, journaling helps me gain the perspective needed to work through conflict in a healthy way.
While none of these are one size fits all strategies, my educated guess is that if you started to consistently implement just one of them, you would notice that your mental health is no longer an excuse to treat people poorly but is now something you feel more confident managing.