Both can be true…

If you’ve ever had a session with me (or, let’s be real, talked to me for more than 5 minutes), then you’ve probably heard me say the phrase “both can be true.” I have even joked about getting a tattoo that says “both and” because I so deeply believe in this concept. I hear myself telling my toddler even “You can feel both happy and sad at the same time.” Who knows if he understands what I’m saying, but at the very least, I’d like to think he feels validated by it. 

I have often found myself feeling the tension of the “both and” in my daily life. It is more than a cute phrase, it is a new way of approaching relationships both with others and ourselves.

When I was a young adult setting real boundaries in my life for the first time, I discovered this way of thinking. I would love to take full credit for it, but to be honest, I have no memory of when I first discovered this way of thinking. It could have been a book or social media post or an idea from my own therapist, but at some point, I let it really resonate into my daily life. I realized that I could both love my family and need to set boundaries with them.

I could hate getting up early to work out and love how I felt afterward.

I could love my partner very deeply and need a break from them at times.

I could feel empathy for people in my life who had hurt me and need to block them on social media.

I could look back on past mistakes I made and know that I was doing the best I could at the time….I could know that generally speaking most people are doing the best they can at any given moment and that I don’t have to be ok with how they’re treating me.

The list could go on and on.

I often have people come into therapy with a sentiment similar to, “I could never tell my mom no. She has done so much for me in my life.” But over time, as we unpack that relationship, we can realize that yes, she often did put you first. But she also often parentified you, was verbally abusive, and tends to take advantage of you (the details may not be accurate for you, but maybe the sentiment is).

When someone gets to the place of acknowledging the hurt someone they love has caused them, their gut reaction is often to cut ties entirely or to set very rigid, stern boundaries. And while there certainly are times and places for no-contact (especially when abuse is at play), there is also a time for empathy and grace.

This is where we probably run into some serious tension or even cognitive dissonance. How can we both acknowledge that our parents were doing their best and that we needed more from them as a child? There’s a line in a Noah Kahan song that says, “I’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them.” This is often accurate. Your parents didn’t have fully met needs as a child and so they didn’t know how to provide for you what you needed, especially on an emotional level.

Maybe we can recognize that both can be true:

Your parents did the best they could considering the home they grew up in AND you deserved more from them as a child.

All of your physical needs were met AND your parents didn’t know how to meet your emotional needs.
You were never abused AND your parents should have worked on their anger issues.
You were abused AND your parents softened with age.
You can set boundaries with your parents AND love them deeply.
You can say no to people AND still want them in your life.

And this is where the real work begins. How do we exist in a family system where we try to accept our parents as they are and also not allow them to hurt us any longer? If you’re reading this blog, you’re already doing the work. It takes a deep empathy for other people, but more than that, it takes self-compassion.

You can struggle with self-esteem AND know that you deserve more.
You can have a large ego at times AND offer empathy to other people.
You can have a traumatic past AND work on your healing in the here and now.

I often like to remind clients who are in the weeds of this that anything that happened to them as a child is not their fault AND once you’re an adult, it is your job to heal from it so that your loved ones don’t get the trauma projected onto them. 

You get to be hurt that you were wronged (whether as a kid or an adult) AND now it’s your responsibility to heal from it.

Both can be true…